What if my goal had been ME instead?
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I used to pray for a man to love me and to marry me.
I prayed for it every single night as a child, along with begging for my mom not to die.
...You know, actual important things?
My prayer was like a script I had memorized, where some lines would be re-written after some time, but there were those lines that never changed, including wanting a husband.
As a child I was often reminded why getting married was the ultimate goal of life.
Why though?
✔ TV.
✔ Movies.
✔ Magazines.
✔ My family.
✔ Society.
✔ I felt worthless as an individual.
I could blame all of those factors, but the most important one is that last thought. That thought has been embedded in my soul since childhood.
"My prayer was like a script I had memorized, where some lines would be re-written after some time, but there were those that never changed, like wanting a husband."
Lack of confidence will rob us of opportunities for as long as we allow it to... and I have let it take the driver's seat for far too long.
I often wonder how different my life would look, had my main goal been ME.
Had my goal been my happiness.
Had I even LIKED myself... what would that have felt like?
"No regrets, they don't work", is a line from a Robbie Williams song, and I have made sure to keep that in the front of my mind for decades.
I just can't help but wonder... (tell me I'm not alone).
What I CAN do is take the wheel, and instill confidence in my child as it becomes second-nature to me. My marriage will then take a different shape, because imagine what it will be like, when I believe I actually DESERVE my husband? This is going to change my entire life, one way or another. Of course, I hope for our marriage to grow with the years, but I am at a point in my life where I am trusting the process.
The script no longer exists; I find myself more spiritual as an adult, rather than religious. I now use affirmations and express my gratitude, so I can manifest everything I have ever desired... even self-love. In the words of Rupaul Charles, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an AMEN?!"
AMEN, Ru... A-freaking-men. I hope you feel worthy and loved. - Dina xoxo
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